It is what it is

My heart is heavy with pain and sadness. I could've called my state of mind / being a depressed one, except I know these days that unprocessed emotions / feelings would lead naturally to this stagnant place of despair.

I am smoking these days, I puff few cigarettes every now and then, on the balcony. In the morning under the sunlight, or late at night with the breeze. I've learned quite a bit about the many breathing techniques, and the healing that comes with it, yet at times, the only proper exhaling I can do is through puffing a stupid little cigarette. It's a breakthrough of a sort considering how much I consume things into my body when I am emotional, not releasing anything hardly. 

This is how I managed to put on and keep the fat I carry with me all those years, this is how I get to keep my shattered pieces together my whole life. It is sad, and boy do I keep trying to break this pattern! 

I don't just carry that body weight, but also the weight of years worth of grief. 

I am learning still to be expressive about my deepest feelings, but the words often fail me, and my mind is simply not sharp anymore. 

This is the very thing that years of numbing could do. 

I'm trying to sober up, wake myself up, but some things I'm simply not able to shake off yet. 

Perhaps I will succeed in doing so one day, and if not, then "it is what it is", as a friend of mine says when asked about his feelings sometimes!