Vines

My monstera deliciosa joined the birthing party. A new stem has started sprouting recently, the folded leaf grew tall particularly in the last few days. Seems like it can open up any day now. The very first baby leaf from this plant thus far. I bought it last December, exactly a couple of days before the whole madness started... 9 months indeed. 

I had cut two leaves from the top of her pathos plant when she left around the same time too. I had it grow in water ever  since. The roots formed well, and three other leaves grew from it. I recently planted it in soil, ready for the move. 

Home is calling, it's just me and my plants this time around. The drums too, they were first to pack, I couldn't ask for more.

I suppose I am looking forward to making noise in my new old place again. Quietly, privately, peacefully. All other things too... 

Less than 48 hours now, I'm grateful, and dare I say, excited. 

Poppa

What a beautifully timed beautiful dream.

I danced and stomped and swayed for you, looking into your eyes but also saying it out loud, "I'm dancing for you"... The crowd consisting of close relatives and family, mostly your side, got tear-eyed while grinning and clapping. They didn't know it was really you. There was pity and sadness deep inside them despite the smiles, probably considering me crazy, and you just a hologram, a hallucination. They cried the past, they have no idea how alive you have always been and are. But oh God, do I miss you!

Let's just go home now, shall we. 

The drain

I delayed, postponed, and pushed the workshop room for as far as I could, but today it's due. I've got the cardboard boxes lying on the ground, I'm resisting this badly, but I really must get packing. I took my cold shower to kick start the day, but the weeping started as soon as I was out of the bathroom. Needless to say, heart is very heavy. A pigeon visited the bathroom window and starting cooing as I was standing in between the three doors, unable to move, crippled with tears and the gush of emotions. A dandelion sprouted from the drain in my balcony this morning. There hasn't been sun for days on end, but the days and nights keep turning. I have a Kora from Mali classical music on in the background, it's crying with me. 

Her room is not hers anymore, it's merely a spare room now, I come and go in it all the time. I also used it for storage during this transitioning period. How many more goodbyes until the move, I stopped counting. But the countdown is here, this is indeed the very last weekend. I must process it all, and leave as much as I can behind, once I step out.

I will be cleaning the bathtub for the last time soon. I will clear away any residue of the wasted love the few men I cared for washed away in the drain as I watched them shower, delighted at my presence and my quirkiness. The memories and what remains of it will be hopefully gone, or at least become faint, in the few years to come. 

Soon I will be back to the bathroom where I showered child Yasmina for many years and saw her grow in its mirror. There are memories of her. There are memories of us. There are memories of Chris, and I. My adolescence, my childhood, her father and our young love. All the many years and the cycles and phases. My mother, my brother, my sister, my friends. My father... My father. 

I don't know what I'm going to be stepping into, having only just recently managed to rid the apartment of her smell. Now I'm going to where she has been nesting for the last 9 months. Here is the re-birth again, I need to push her out, and through that pushing, I'm giving birth to both her and I. It's going to painful for us both, but that's how it usually is. Was all of this her chosing, her own making, or was it my own doing, or mere fate. Cutting chords is now due. Ctting the fucking umbilical cord. Cutting the chains. Cutting the damned shackles. Freeing the bird. Pulling out the anchor. Dropping the weights. Lift off. Sail away. 

A newly wed couple just rang me about my ad for the bedroom furniture. They're coming to take it in few hours. I cleaned it for the 3rd time recently. So much scrubbing away of the old, although nothing tangible. My OCD has been kicking in throughout this apartment clearing, but my mind hasn't lost it, despite the intensity of it all, and aren't I grateful.

It's just my heart now, needs attending to. And my achy body, plenty of rest. 

And perhaps maybe, 

Gentle touches.

Uprooting

The more furniture I sell and the emptier the place is becoming, the longer my back is feeling. 

I pace the apartment from one room to the other. Sorting, clearing out, preparing, cleaning, processing

The body feels much lighter.

There's less weight on my back, but also around my abdomen.

I breathe better. 

I have no need for comfort food. 

The humongous neck hump that was revealed to me few months back is starting to move a bit. 

I can sometimes straighten up my back, push back my shoulders, and lift my chin up. 

I'm remembering what it feels like to have a neck. 

I'm going Home. 

It's been a long time coming. 

A miracle indeed happened. 

I'm grateful beyond words. 

Two peas in a pod

Sometimes "baby girl" is I. 

Sometimes "baby girl" is you.

I am you, 

you are me, 

in essence. 

Don't worry yourself too much with the peripheries. 

I speak to the tormented pure little us.

I write to comfort or encourage us.

Sometimes it's I, 

sometimes it's you. 

At the core, 

The pain is one. 

The longing is one. 

The loving is one. 

When you forget, 

I'll remind you. 

If I stray, 

Bring me back too. 

I love us... 

I love you. 

Trick the trickster

You know this life, baby girl, is like the playground I used to take you to as a toddler to play. We would always return home from it, no matter how much fun you'd had. The excitement, the adventures, the stimulations, the curiosity, the exploring, the other kids, the grown ups, the other parents, the others and their ways... All of it, was meant for you to simply observe, and not get absorbed by any of it. 

That was your initial experience when encountering others as a lone child with a single mother. I get it. But then came school... Again, it consumed you. The fun and the pain, should've been taken with a pinch of salt. Just like in the playground, we were always supposed to come home from it at the end of the day, nothing of it would become part of you or our life. But the pain overwhelmed you, and you disconnected from me. You see, that's exactly how they wanted it, the powers that be. The system in place is meant to break the kid's spirit and damage them to life, only it's made appear to do the opposite. One must always decipher and discern. 

I made you understand things from a very young age, and it wasn't so hard as you were smart, inquisitive, and receptive. I respected you and your mind, I honored your spirit, no brainwashing of any kind or silly stupid lies. I remained connected with you throughout. Our connection was our overriding of the system. But then it became too hard for you to balance both worlds, you became less and less of who you are at home, and at school, and less and less of your naturally, source connected, happy self, at school, and as a result, anywhere else. 

Again, you became absorbed by it, when you were supposed to only just be observing. I was with you to remind all the time, that our own perception was the landing. Take off, but come back to this, so not to lose yourself. Because I too had your struggle, and the system is continuously trying to crush me, and I keep working on my perception. Get back, come back, re-center, re-adjust, re-align. It's what I keep saying to myself too, though not always with words. 

None of all the pain they inflicted on you, adults and kids, was ever personal. None of the good parts were ever personal either. Not for you, not for me, not for any one else, not now, not eons of years before us, not even the ones after us. We're here to witness... Not get transformed by it, if anything, that glitch should be our reminder, of our destiny eventually, and of this though appearing long, but a very brief human journey. 

Me becoming the enemy to you, the source of all your problems, the cause of all troubles, is exactly what the system wants, and does. Girl, we don't play by their rules! How could you forget? You slipped. 

Get back in charge of your mind, they're messing with it badly, don't let them. Don't stay glued to the screen. Watch what you're watching! Tools I've given you have turned into poison. Clear up, de-clutter, shape up. Don't ask for any body's help anymore, not even mine. Because guess what, you don't actually need it, you're way too strong. Any opposite thought is their doing too! 

When your mind turned me into the obstacle and burden, I mean, I from all the people in your life, I knew I lost you to system. That rebellious state turned against me, and the ego games, were such a classic move by the way. Don't think any of it was that original. But you had to do what you had to do, and I too had to let you go, and let you be. 

Except, like I always say, you don't fight darkness, you just bring in the light. Remember that one? Removing darkness is a futile concept. You only just ever need bring in the light, or some light at all. If I was the darkness, you needn't fight me, you only just ever needed to follow your bliss instead. If the pain and the past was so dark, you only just need to remember to follow your bliss, go the opposite, or any other direction instead. Years spent fighting in the darkness, you only just needed to get up and turn on the light. 

What was it that brought you ease, happiness, comfort, joy? Bring that instead to your life, that's how to eliminate the darkness... Otherwise, you'd drown in it, it consumes you. And it did. 

I know exactly what your ego is screaming at you while reading this. 

Shut the bastard! Contain it and tame it already, won't you please! It isn't my baby. You are, heart centered, not that silly mind and whatever got inside it at whatever stage uninvited. 

The ego too is the product of the system. You see, first they crush the kids' spirit and individuality, then they push them to build a fake persona through pain, via ego as adolescents, making sure their adulthood is totally contaminated, bereft from real soul, in preparation for their machinizing. Inverted everything is their trick. You fell into the trap. But that's OK because guess what? It could all be undone, in one moment, one decision. All it takes, is a mere simple choice. All else follows...

That's the only thing they couldn't and would never be able to hack - though they can get to the mind - and that is FREE WILL! Our God given most precious, ever flowing, limitless gift, nobody and nothing could possibly take that away from us. You know what we could achieve with it? Anything and whatever you ever desire...

We're limitless baby girl, unchain your mind, let it soar and wander again like it naturally does in its original setting. You are indeed free, any opposing concept to that, is merely a perception, not even your own. Just drop the weight, get up, and rise. Keep playing, only you choose your avatar this time around. Change it as frequently as you like, and then some more. Explore, venture, learn, observe, have fun, play, and play, and play, but then come home at the end of each day. Don't you stray away!!!

I'm so very tired baby girl, a lifetime of this, my own personal solo continuous fight as a baby, child, adolescent, adult, and then, as your parent. 

And a decade today since you started slipping away...

But I shall never ever never ever ever stop. 

I'll see you on the other side.

I hope you make it Home soon. 

I missed you. 

(Not the avatar.)

Ramblings

A broken heart will mess up badly with your mind...

Now I know why "potential" is Chris' most hated word, almost 5 years after our seperation...

It's not about the outer space, it's my own mind and psyche. They are the problem, can I sell my mind's furniture, and relocate it? It needs a fresh new start. Turn the page on that motherfucker, damn it!

One single act of kindness might bring faith to my aching heart, and give direction to my soul. But these aren't the times nor this is the place for such things. A cursed land again and again, here comes August after all..

19 years growing a beast of an adorable and charming sociopath, take that for a system shock, you naiive idiot! Me, from all people! I laugh and cry at the irony. They sure are smart devils, those programmers. Will you wake up now finally? Shake that shit off you? These morons pretending to be humans. Robotic slaves is a more fitting name. 4th type of zombies: narcissists and sociopaths. Mentally deranged? We're all mad here. Only just some of us still got some heart matters somewhere inside all that hullabaloo. Are you taking note? Better keep up!!!

Smack! Boom! Crack! Splash!

Phew.... 

Hum though, just hum... 

Bring yourself back to the center, in alignment, with source. 

Override that fucking matrix, trick the tricksters, darn it!

Just hum, relax your vagus nerve...

Brush away all of them thoughts of harm done and good wasted. Repeat after me like Ara says "useless past".

Only just please somebody, something, won't you please tell me how on earth to begin again!?!

One act of kindness, against all odds. 

One tiny miracle. 

Stronger faith. 

But please now, 

Hope too, 

Just a little, 

Or any at all. 

Thank

YOU.

Muffled

Why my tears have now become sticky is beyond me... 

I am the violinist in a sinking Titanic....

I ought to have stopped it, this loving thing, but it just won't go... 

Full capacity loving in my utmost pain and struggles...

I can't make big fancy jewelry anymore, nor do I care of who wants to personalize what at this stage. Enough already, an entire decade of that... 

Come meet me inside my own little world now, for a change. See the littlest things I make. Here is I, a full on spirit in a human experience... 

It's been madness since day one, got jaundice at birth, a hole in my heart, and whatnot. I healed eventually, so that I could go through all the heartaches I was meant to as a fully functioning being in this society. Bummer!!

Although, come to think of it, I can't exactly say I was ever one, a full functioning being in this society. I've rejected it and its things since the get go, but you get my drift... 

I'm still going on. It's still going on. A hundred news to report every day... 

But I'm tired. 

Too many slowed down and stretched out moments in my mind, as I process and fathom things... 

No break for the wicked.

Stuck inside a prison inside another prison, inside a bigger prison. On and on it goes...

I long for Home.

I hope it's time soon...

This time thingy too, what a load of bullocks!

I cuddle a pillow these days when I sleep. I've descended to a new level of pathetic...

But nothing could possibly comfort me lately like the touch of crispy clean cotton bed linen, and the smell of freshly washed fabric. Towels too, I wrap one over the side of my head when sleeping, covering my ears and most of my face. It muffles the sounds, giving a sense of cocooning, and containment. And the texture and smell... a sense of Home.

                            .KHORASAN.

Done deed

I don't want another house, another apartment, another flat. I don't even want a studio. I only need one room, with a door, and a lock. I don't need a kitchenette, just give me the smallest sink, and the smallest burner, and the tiniest little fridge. I don't need space, I don't need panoramic views. I don't need scenic windows, I don't need fanciful neighborhood. Just give me a little window where I can get a bit of sky, and daylight. I don't need a bathroom, give me a basic toilet, with a functioning shower, I'd be grateful. I don't need my furniture, I don't want any visitors. Give me enough space for only just a little table, I'll work and create from there. That is all I need. Give me my privacy, let me keep my dignity. It's the last fight now, God please God please God, I only just pray for my dignity to be intact. I've done so much, I've given so much, I now get it there is no return, I don't want anything, only just won't you please, please, let me keep my dignity. 

All the things I excell at and do are worth nothing in this time and age. Nobody wants my words, nobody has use for the pretty trinkets and jewelry I make, nobody wishes to pay for any of the delicious things I make and bake. Free everything is the way. Nobody cares play music with me, nobody wishes to hear out my thoughts, my insights, the sounds I make, the drumming I do. Not even daughter is interested in the limitless free support, love, and guidance anymore. If it doesn't come with a piece of your soul, nobody wants to get anything from you. If it doesn't come with a bit of ownership over you, if it doesn't feed their ego and demons, nobody's buying a thing.

I don't want the trading, I'm done with the waiting, for the people to wake up, for the light to prevail, for their spirit returning, for the soul reclaiming. It's over now, I'm pushed beyond what I ever thought possible. I'll keep crying in silence, parting every day a little bit more with the hope. Connecting every day a little bit more with the faith. God is with me, I am with God. Not all is lost. How could it be... 

Preserve yourself now, all that's been given was not wasting, but it's all over now. A clean slate, a new chapter, turn the page. 

That's the rebirth you've been tapping into for years, that's your death now. First you sense it, then you live it. It's OK, you always knew. Some more goodbyes to go... And then you're free. 

Free from expectations. Free from the crippling hope. Free from your naivety. Clarity is your salvation. 

More please, won't you open my eyes and mind and whole being to the true reality that is this world and its people. Done with the lessons, I'm weary to the bone. I only just wish to exist now, with no weight and burdens - even if just briefly, to gather my strength again, to lick my wounds. 

Guide me, show me, help me see, crack my mind open, make me know in my heart and being the road to take next. 

I don't want this fancy looking building with the most racist and narrowminded neighbours. I can't tolerate their vanity anymore, I'm so very tired from their phoniness and empty-headedness. Give me a real neighborhood with real vendors and colorful people. Free my legs, let me pace the local streets, let me stare at the faces, let me spot the smiles, inner and outer. Let me feel the pain, let me know the ways. Let me pick my own fruits and vegetables... 

Get me outta here, pretty please. 

Please, please, please make it work. 

Amen. 

Thank you, 

Thank you. 

Lamenting

An inability to work or function from an excessive need to be embraced.

A missing that grows by the day, instead of diminishing. 

الشمّة والضمّة

يا خَيتي 

يا بَيتي 

What is a mama... 

How can it be undone. 

Take that away from me please, the cancer that's eating me up for years on end. 

To call "mama" is to say a little prayer. To long for what is there for you to receive abundantly, only just when you wish and desire. No conditions, no questions, just a flood, of whatever your heart need and desires.

Comfort, support, ears to listen, shoulder to cry on, food for your belly, treats and musings. Connecting, and celebrating this existence and that dynamic. It's a coincidence but nothing is random really. A celebration of this brief visit. Teach and learn, heal and grow, give and receive. 

That's how it was meant to be anyway... 

Until they intoxicated the soil, pulled out the roots, cut out the blossoms, chopped off the new sprouts, shake away all the leaves. 

They only ought to have burned the whole thing down, then the lamenting would've stopped too... 

To kill, to hate, to attack. The other as the other as the other. The devil is sneeky and mighty, so long as nobody pays attention. Nobody's paying attention. Ego is king. Hurt the ego and you're the enemy. Demons activated. Evil is chief. 

To love and to nurse and to hold. To love and to give as only a river, from source to the ocean, nothing to take personal, nothing to keep for oneself. A flow and a flood and abundance, of only the cleanest ever cleansing living water...

But they chose the lake.