Hush

You fool! Shut me up when I'm at the peak of expressing the utmost rage over the utmost injustice done on me so far / yet again? Shut me up for your sensitive sexist buffoon of boyfriend? Looks like you've been shutting yourself up for so long you can't even remember what integrity and dignity sounds like anymore! You silly, silly woman. I'm unsure whether to be upset at you, frustrated with you, compassionate towards you, or pity you! Shut me up inside, offer me money outside. Is this how things work now for you, in your world of infidel people you call partners and friends? You betray each other, then shut each other up, then buy each other off? Is it the silence that's at trade or what exactly? Silence over gaslighting, space invasion, life overtaken? Oh how I wish I had it in me to smack you! How I wish I was the physical type. Shake you up, wake you up from your deep slumber you silly, silly old woman. When will you eventually start acting according to your age? When will you stop this scared little muted girl inside of you from crippling your every move? What are you waiting for, losing yourself completely to submission? 

It pained me to see you submerging yourself with all these new addictions and toxic instant gratifications of all sorts. How I wish I could embrace you, hold you tightly, squeeze all your pains and fears out of you, so you get back to your original setting, clean slate, pure and beautiful, like you have always been - minus the voices that gets you to settle for less and less of everything, every time. I wish I could whisper in your ears words that makes you remember your essence; so worthy of love, respect, big gestures, real efforts! I wish I could scream at you just how precious you are! Alas this is the real world now, and you people have decided to play it down; not just your words and actions, but your very existence too. 

Of course I'll shut you for you, this is your place after all, I would never disturb, but you did shock me! "You too!", I thought to myself. What a winter this has turned out to be! I hope all is restored now, after I left with my big mouth daring to express my agony. Your fragile peace with your boyfriend and your space where no grit is ever in sight must be back to normal. There's only the sound of plain passive acceptance of all that his sensitive manhood is OK to hear, handle, or do, never mind pain inflicting on you!... 

You know what's so ironic? The gift you offered me was of the same calibre as the thing that was at play to control me all those years past, the main cause of all my trouble and hardship, the reason why I spoke up at first place when you shut me up! As long as I was quiet, I was receiving my money, designated to me by court order. As soon as I spoke up, I was denied access to it, disregarding all sorts of laws and rights. Truth allergy is a real and rather a serious thing! This has been my life for the last two decades. You're new still to this world of misogyny, I have lived it way much longer than you could remember, or that you could know of, for I have always been distant and keeping to myself, most especially when things got the most cruelest, I freeze. You think motherhood is about being tamed and docile with the father, oh how wrong you've been. Or how wrong my daughter has been for thinking comfort is silence, and you. I know all too well those sensitive sexist ears. Coupled with mighty sexist power, they sure can harm, badly. 

The timelines were clashing when you drove me back home begging me to take the money, while you were only a moment prior sharing your pain and disappointment over that triangle story. What did you want from me, side with you, give you advice? I always have, and you always managed to shut me up, for the sake of the greater goodness and heartfelt humanness, or is it something else altogether? Don't fret, I too was just as naiive until not so long ago. "Blessed are the thieves who stole my masks" is what your favorite Gibran says. 

Sister, oh sister! Please try to remove the money and the concept of money away from it all, for just a brief moment. Look then at things, see if they remain the same. See if the people, the faces, the wordings, the actions, your feelings, your thoughts, and the emotions remain the same... or not. 

I love you, wake up, pretty please.