You know what I did today baby girl? I pretended hell hasn't broken lose. I pretended I didn't miss you. I pretended that the living this way was perfectly normal. I got up like my usual, cold shower, aired the place, smudged and incense and whatnot. I then got to the kitchen, I have left dishes in the sink from yesterday. I couldn't start work before I got to them. And then I had to prepare food, so that by the time I start working, I don't have to take long breaks. It went well all in all. Then work was good, I'm in the flow again finally, it's been a while. I focused on the small little things I am creating, and the small little world I'm inside, and tried hard to remember the small little pleasures of life, I couldn't, but I did enjoy losing myself in the process for brief moments. Then you texted me little girl, I have missed you yesterday but I didn't want to intrude and left you to your space. You told me about your father, and I wanted to scream and shout and pull my hair, but I tried to remain as reasonable, as mature as I could be. For a little while anyway, until, as you know, I lost it few minutes later. You will not understand baby girl the taste of injustice at your age now. And it's good that you don't because you need hope at this stage of your life; the wanting to venture on, to be excited for a future that is much more important than any present moment. I'm happy you're at this age now, but I fear for you, I always do. Anyway, I've faced, lived, seen injustice in an amount that is just so unbearable at this stage of my life, especially the accumulations of events of last. It is why I don't have what I used to have before anymore, what was it anyway? Grit? Patience? who knows, I wonder how I got to where I am now in life... I'm quite dizzy from it all. My patience is all gone, I have now zero tolerance for ignorance, selfishness, ego games, manipulation, low effort, lies, and boy is there nothing but those at play these days with people! As for your father, I will not lie to you, I wished him dead. I've never before experienced such emotions, despite ALL of our history! I've tried everything, you from all people know. Perhaps the only thing that might put my heart at rest is if I finally write the autobiography, let the truth out, stand up for myself, speak up. I have been shushed for much longer than any human being in my situation could take. I'm trying to find my voice again, so far I only managed to whisper, even inside of my head, they're only just whispers now.
I'm sorry we brought you to this life, I'm sorry I'm your mother and not some other fit to your desires and needs mother. I'm sorry we're so fucked up. I'm sorry for all the pain we inflicted on you. I'm sorry for all the pain I carried with me when I was carrying you, I am sorry for carrying it still when you were growing, and I am carrying it still, and some more, now, as you enter adulthood. I always knew my 42 would be different, but Gosh I'm exhausted!
I'm starting all over again now baby girl, you know how I've always done it, you used to be young but you knew and saw it all and understood. That was never how a single mother should've been treated, so she could in her turn look after her young one. I'm 42 years now, and starting all over again, like a teenager, it's absurd, I could hardly grasp all that had happened. Zero savings, zero support, zero hope, thousands of dollars money owed to me, and only just tenacity, and the pressing urge to survive. Like a homeless, like an orphan, like a nobody who doesn't have anybody in life, this is me again and again, it feels so fucking familiar it's quite sad and very disheartening.
I made cute little house pendants today with copper, will I be able to sell them, do any of the stupid Lebanese people care about my insignificant creations, will I be able to set the correct price and not feel too shy? Is it a good idea to start looking up fairs to sell in them again. God I hate this shit so fucking much! But what else could I do, when everything that I have ever worked with, for, and made it / seen it grow has evaporated.
Enough banter now baby girl, I'll call it a day and retire to bed soon, attempt hopelessly to read again, I haven't been able to do so in a while now. I hope you're warm and at peace. I miss the sound of your moves around the house, I miss when you used to be happy to be around. It has been so very long that I can't seem to remember when that was.
Mama wishes you well always. and if baby doesn't want mama anymore, that too is OK.
Goodnight baby girl.
I love you.
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