The noise from outside is quite today, literally and figuratively. I've changed the decoration inside yet another time. What's insane is the need to control my surrounding, but I really calm down every time I shift the furniture, and the energy with it. I've grown tired from the leading a life from home thingy. I'm not working now, so I keep giving myself things to do. I shall stop soon though, I gave myself a promise to myself this morning to keep things exactly as they are for the entirety of 2023, by the time I'm done that is, few days from now hopefully. I also made a promise to myself to love myself a little bit more, or at all.
I must teach my rustic mind new habits, my body better comply. I'm sobering up on many levels, an excruciating detox like never before, and I'm suffering from it. I'm suffering from merely existing, but there is no way out. Ara says we wake up, we're alive, we carry on...
Carrying on isn't the same as living, but yes, I keep going. I wonder how people are leading their lives as though nothing has happened; the country, the world, the big picture, the small details... they keep going in a rather unsettling way. I can't un-see what I've seen. I can not ignore what I now know. Finding a safe space to exist within this reality has proven to be of utmost difficulty. But I wake up before the sun, and I plan my day around it.
It hasn't rained in a while, and for this, at least this time, I'm grateful. It's been extremely hard to dwell with the darkness and the heaviness in the air as it is. Stupid holidays coming up, I'm looking forward to just chilling, considering I manage to do so.
What a year this has been, I've grown in so many different ways and expanded in many different directions, forcibly so, and perhaps for this reason in particular, I'm tired beyond words.
I wish to rest, on the inside too.
Let's hope I do.
Happy winter solstice Rana, try to enjoy!
