Alone, barren

I don't recognize myself.

Too busy catching up with the tide. Mastering my survival mode skills. Keeping up with the price of things, with the changes. Excelling at avoiding exposure to news. Honing my single parenting skills. Singlehandendly dealing with everything that has to do with our living, surviving and thriving. Dealing with, facing and processing emotions, feelings, and thoughts. Healing from traumas, and I don't say healing lightly, nor trauma, not a little, not at all. 

I've been busy healing our feminine, empowering our masculine, doing work and study and art, doing us and relationships and connections. Doing floors and windows and chores and errands and cooking and making and eating. So much of it, very little nurturing.

I've been so busy that I've denied myself seeing, so busy and caught up with the living that I ignored my me under that skin. It's stretched a hundred times and I still use the fat to cope with this so called living. 

Daughter left to school a while ago. First time since ever. I am home alone, I can't feel my body from all the pains, aches from yesterday's walk, tummy still upset since the visit to the supermarket, low and dizzying energy everywhere I go, whomever I encounter. Extremely fiery energy inside caused by an adolescent who hasn't been living normally in the society for nearly two years. To say I'm tired, would be an understatement. 

I keep running in every direction. Because of I don't, who would, and isn't life made for the living? The doing? The being? 

I don't know how to sit still anymore. There are pains beyond pains, and I need nurturing.

Pacing

The seasons seem to be going way too fast than my system, heart and mind can adjust to. I needed a much longer winter, and spring is going by too fast, summer might stay a little, I don't mind, but Autumn, I can live in a perpetual Autumn season if I could. Now that would be a dream! 

Time is going too fast, either that, or I have started to slow down. The pacing is of utmost importance to me these days, in absolutely every aspect of life, in everything I do, I say, and everyrhing I am. Communicating too, there seems to be a constant rush in blabbering whatever is inside one's head.

At this age and stage in my life, I need pacing... Must add that to my tinder profile. 

Tinder, a whole post should be dedicated to that alone. What a fast, fast world we live in! 

The man in the dream

I saw him last night, it's the second time now. First time he was announcing what he was looking for, but I was physically far from him, and couldn't tell his exact words, nor was I able to let him see me. This time around, it was different. 

He's tall and broad, dark skinned, with big olive green eyes, soft features, deep voice. I stood in front of him, very close, and allowed him to speak. He told me of his plans, a cruise in the sea, an adventure. I got him to repeat his words, first time I felt lost in his eyes and couldn't focus on the content of his words. He did charm me, with his very soul.

The plan was a cruise around several countries, he repeated his words in exactly the same precision, calm, and pacing. The second option was "or just a short and brief cruise around the shore". It is this option that made me consider his offer, the first one felt too far fetched to me, considering my fears from the sea, and my dislike of sailing in the water. Also the fact that I wish to get to know him at my own pace, inside my own space. I was tempted though, his confidence and genuine desire for this journey could be felt in his very being, and mine as a result. The flexibility with the second choice made me feel his genuine desire, and maturity. 

I stood there not saying a word, not expressing myself, nor speaking my mind, but I made him feel my interest. I got closer to him, I was gazing straight into his eyes (his very soul), he wraps his arms around my waist and gently pulled me closer to him. He said "you have surprised me". I kept the gaze going, as I felt a magical rush of energy exchange between our beings, while I caressed gently the lobe of his right ear with the tips of my left fingers. I surprised myself too, but I didn't utter a word, the moment was too beautiful and rich for words.

The birds woke me up from my sleep, but the dream remained with me. I hope to see him again in another dream soon, it's been a while since I had those beautiful ones. 

As for writing, it has been a while too, but things need to be done outside of my expressing with words world.

I haven't stopped journaling though, I've been on a journey of my own, but nothing new there...

“Grandma, how do you cope with pain?”

“With your hands, honey. 

If you do it with your mind instead of relieving the pain, it toughens even harder.”

“With your hands grandma?”

“Yes, our hands are the antennae of our soul. 

If you move them; knitting, cooking, painting, playing or sinking them into the ground, you send care signs to the deepest part of you and your soul lights up because you’re paying attention to it. 

Then signs of pain will no longer be necessary.”

“Hands are really that important?”

“Yes my daughter. 

Think of babies: they start to know the world through the touch of their hands. 

If you look at the hands of old people, they tell you more about their life then any body part. 

Everything that is done by hand is said to be done with the heart. 

Because it’s really like this: hands and heart are connected. 

Masseurs know well: when they touch someone with their hands, they create a deep connection.

It is precisely from this connection that healing comes. Think of lovers: when they touch their hands, they make love in a more sublime way.”

“My hands grandma.... how long I haven’t used them like this!”

“Move them, my love. 

Begin to create with them and everything within you will begin to move. 

The pain will not pass away. 

And instead what you do with them will become the most beautiful masterpiece and it won’t hurt anymore. 

Because you have been able to transform its essence.”

 ~Elena Bernabe